Saturday, August 8, 2020

Trying to Hold the Moon

Linking with the Sunday Muse for Muse # 120
Come join us!

To eat an egg, you must break the shell. ~Jamaican Proverb


I was standing on the quick sand of time

Bracing my love on banisters of doubt

Falling between your world and mine

I was unseen like coins in the couch

The secrets held in the reflection of my eyes

Were the moon I longed to give to you

It was close as a lover’s deepest sigh

Yet as far as an elk deep in the brush at noon

For you looked but never truly touched

Afraid of being hurt by the lover that is scorned

 You remained distant like a hunter in the brush

And when you missed the mark you only mourned

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I am doing a little something different here.  I could not decide where to end this poem.  So you can tell me what you think.  Here is more that I wrote that I decided later not to add.  You be the judge:


Risk is a high stakes gamble where one can lose

And in the search for love can be the same

I stood at the casino table and had to choose

But you cannot bet on hearts with only spades

I was the gambler putting it all out there

And you were the hunter on the make

Sometimes we cannot find the answer

When there is nothing left to save.

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18 comments:

  1. FireblossomAugust 8, 2020 at 10:03 AM

    I like both parts, but have to agree that the shift to a gambling metaphor would be jarring if paired with the first part with its nature theme. I thought the description of a relationship done in those terms was really cool.

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    1. Carrie Van HornAugust 8, 2020 at 10:58 AM

      Thank you my friend. Yes, it seemed my thoughts were shifting to a whole new set of metaphors. I felt like I was having an ADD poetry moment. LOL "I am concentrating on a moon elk theme....oh look a gambler....:-))))"

      Delete
  2. hedgewitchAugust 8, 2020 at 12:35 PM

    I agree with Shay. Two themes are happening here.
    I think you might find a way to do them either as two poems or as one divided sequentially, like separating each and heading them I. and II. I do love the nature theme, and think it's strongest of the two. Also love the images you've drawn out and brought to life.

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    1. Carrie Van HornAugust 8, 2020 at 1:04 PM

      Thank you so much Joy. I do prefer the first part myself, and do like your idea of dividing them sequentially. I hope you have a good weekend my friend.

      Delete
  3. indybevAugust 8, 2020 at 2:21 PM

    I agree the sudden switch from forest to casino was disconcerting. I like both, and each can stand alone, each so well written.

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    1. Carrie Van HornAugust 9, 2020 at 7:56 AM

      Thanks Beverly. I think my pen and brain got carried away! LOL

      Delete
  4. JimAugust 8, 2020 at 2:53 PM

    Carrie, the first alone is great. And for the second read of the second, I think it can stand alone also. Both have a message, along the same vein.
    I liked your opening Jamaican Proverb.
    Here is a Jim's proverb, "To eat a snail, you must coax it out of it's shell"
    (Do you know that you hold it in your hand and hum a tune for it to exit the shell?)

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  5. Sherry Blue SkyAugust 8, 2020 at 3:44 PM

    I agree. The first is stellar on its own. You may have two poems here, both wonderful. But the first, ending with you only mourned is powerful and eloquent.

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  6. qbitAugust 9, 2020 at 6:56 AM

    Agreed, I think the first stands alone just fine. Great opening line, was a real hook. And "Bracing my love on banisters of doubt" is terrific.

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  7. Gillena CoxAugust 9, 2020 at 10:23 AM

    There is more mystery and space left for the readers contemplation, with the first version
    Happy Sunday and thank you for dropping by my sumie Sunday

    Much💝love

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  8. C. SandlinAugust 9, 2020 at 12:33 PM

    Agreeing with the consensus--both poems work but differently. I like the way you use lost coins as a metaphor for closeness without connection but the feel of the first one is that someone is close but wary and in the second poem there is the persona of risk that stands in contrast. I think these would work as opposing poems (on opposite pages?) where each character (the hunter versus the gambler) is confronting but not quite meeting up.

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  9. TheRustGeekAugust 11, 2020 at 6:17 AM

    The first part tried (and succeeded) in holding me... I am no moon though :)

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  10. Susie ClevengerAugust 11, 2020 at 3:23 PM

    Love both the first and the shift your ending took with the second. I think nature knows too well life is a gamble as is the pursuit of love. Your writing is soaring these days. :)

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  11. HelenAugust 12, 2020 at 8:48 AM

    Love both poems as separate entities .... Cheers.

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  12. Vivian ZemsAugust 12, 2020 at 4:45 PM


    I enjoyed the entire poem-especially with the addition. In my mind, I’m calling at the “dance of love”😊

    ReplyDelete

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